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[May 23rd, 2013 / 2:11pm]
Anyone here use tumblr? I may end up using tumblr more often than livejournal. I've almost abandoned this website completely, but I like to take a long gander at some people's journals who I enjoy.
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[May 22nd, 2013 / 1:39am]
I'm blasted from cocaine, suboxone, weed and alcohol. I'm being the DJ of this 6 people party. It feels great. Tonight's mood is something I'd like to capture for a lifetime. But grandiose states must eventually fade and you must adapt to the lazy personality you have always belonged to. Brannon is asking for a favor. I just want to feel the music, the vibes of others, and keep an eye on my rose water toner I am making. YEE HAW COWBOY
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I wrote a poem. . . [April 2nd, 2013 / 1:12am]
Be wary of the
paradoxical, neglected sentience among the departed minds
Seek the route which makes accessible...an absolute truth
oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, calcium, nitrogen, phosphorus
The composition of life
The creation of awareness, drifting from your nature
live irresponsibly, expose the fear to danger
it will devour the inessential anxiousness
and set yourself free
release from obligation,
release from routine duties
the masquerade of conditioning
no longer possessing you
bare spirit,
confront yourself
See the illusion, its deception
of your perception
remove the veil and feel
intensified anguish of the acknowledgment
of authorities dominance
to invent and forge manufactured minds
to divide us, impregnate the beauty
with depraved psychosis
then label it with sanity
taint them with vanity
to take the present moment
as an opportunity to breathe
here and now, everlasting liberation
reality, what is sincere?
What is truth?
It’s an option you determine
sight, holy sight
creating this world, this dread
this opportunity to break loose
undress and rape the reality in camouflage
reborn through a perceptual experience
the wilderness is within
the blinking 4th dimension
will soon carry us away
to an enigmatic change in sensory perception
the ego, self importance, it will pass away
is there a choice, a selection of setting?
When you zoom out of earth
examine closely the size of this
universe, we are microscopic babies
from the womb of infinite mystery
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[November 16th, 2012 / 12:01am]
I have been transformed. Trash Humpers was very inspirational and redefined my default mindset. I've drifted back to the person I was last year. Maybe only temporary, I'm trying to not focus on that. The movie spoke to me. It told me to stop giving a fuck about other people's opinions and the manipulative influence of other people. Just do what I want to do without fear. Be happy about it. I've stopped paying attention to the details around me that don't feed my happiness or contentment with myself and I'm focusing on the big middle that holds all that matters to my inner self. Yes, elderly sociopaths humping trashcans, peeping into neighbors windows, getting drunk off of wine in the woods, singing strange songs, laughing awkwardly at weird things, murdering people, and feeding pancakes with soap in replace of syrup, has been inspiring to me. Gummo gave me the same feeling, but not as bright and beautiful as Le Trash Humpers. I am certainly, "envious of their social freedom" and I wish I could live a life of absolute freedom, doing whatever I want, maybe even in mayhem, without the feds trying to control it.
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Everyone should watch the spiritually uplifting...Trash Humpers. [November 15th, 2012 / 10:24pm]
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[November 12th, 2012 / 7:59pm]
I feel so depressed yet fascinated with the entertainer known as "beetlejuice" with microcephaly. He was exploited, that's what is upsetting. I thought at first after typing into youtube microcephaly that he would be really lame but instead of thinking that, or feeling sympathy for him, I felt a lot of love for him. A LOT. More than I do for anyone, almost. He was fucking ADORABLE. Seeing him putting turtles into a fishtank made me cry. I couldn't cry when my cousin died. I don't understand it. 
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[November 11th, 2012 / 6:14pm]
Last night Brannon, as always, went to sleep early. I stayed up and listened to/watched URGH! A Music War and then I went and I lied down with him. I was awake for three hours before I could drift into sleep. While lying down Brannon started shaking/twitching and he would raise up an arm and his fingers would move around. It made me think of the movie, "idle hand" or whatever it's called. It was creepy. It also reminded me of a composer of an orchestra, the movements his fingers made. 

When I fell asleep I came into a dream about hanging out with Amanda. She had decided to speak to me and we caught up. She told me her mom was pregnant. Her mom is about fifty years old now, still with the same guy she was with years ago. It switched from being in an old friend Miles' house to being in the mall here. We were stealing clothes while wearing SUPERGOTH platform boots. Brannon's ex was working in a store in the mall. She had extremely long matted up hair in a ponytail and kept coming and going from the mall. The last time I remembered her coming back into the mall and heading into her store I had made a comment about how I would love to punch her in the face. It made Amanda laugh. She heard me and questioned it, then I began staring at her, not expressing anything. She cried and ran back into her store. Amanda and I went and sat down by a magazine store's window, then we both stood up without talking and stared at our reflections in the window. I told her I remembered being taller than her, that she must have had a growth spurt since the last time we hungout. Then suddenly I was at my appropriate height, taller than her, and she pointed this out. I laughed. I told her that we should go to food lion and get wine. When we got there I went directly to the book section. Food lion usually has 'inspirational' books, mostly Christian. This time they had the most amazing books. One on the piano playing cat, I'm sure we've all seen videos of on youtube or elsewhere. Another I came across had more than one title but the one that stuck out was "the deciphering of the pyramid of giza" I forget what you call books or numerous pages that, when flipped through semi fast, create a motion picture. This was that kind of book. I flipped through it and a motion erupted out of it of a lot of mummified faces. Some, terrifying. Others, amusing. I somehow decoded the meaning. It represented love and separation or detachment from a person. I got the same book for Amanda and when I watched her flipping through it the images or motions portrayed nothing to me. We were then caught by police and we both ran out of the store and ran to Earl's house. That was the end of the dream. I woke up to a horn beeping and my mom and brother came to pick me up. 

This was a very exciting dream because of the meaning I could, finally, after so many dreams made out of meaningless, could decipher and apply to my own life. 

I've learned over the past couple of days at Brannon's that he is self centered. I confronted him about a few issues I was having. He deleted his Ex girlfriend, which brought, really, no ease to my discomfort of them talking because I'm aware, not psychotically or in a paranoid sense, of the fact that he will continue talking to her. He was so disgruntled about having to delete her. With everything I said there was a response similar to, "FUCK YOU MAN" (say that in your mind in a country accent, it isn't serious) The dream also somehow let me know that he isn't as genuine as I think and I need to maintain distance or I'm going to end up lashing out and intentionally hurting him, when I could more easily leave him and proceed with my own life. A while of loneliness would present itself it to me. Nothing I haven't experienced before, however, I can't allow myself to leave him because I enjoy suffering a lot more than I do avoiding it.
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[November 7th, 2012 / 5:57pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Transpersonal experiences occur only rarely in early sessions of psycholytic therapy; they become quite common in advanced sessions after the subject has worked through and integrated the material on the psychodynamic and perinatal levels. After the final experiences of ego death and rebirth, transpersonal elements dominate all subsequent LSD sessions of the individual. Occasionally, transpersonal experiences can occur in the culmination periods of the first high-dose session of psychedelic treatment.
Since transpersonal experiences represent a relatively new concept in psychology, the detailed discussion will be preceded by an attempt at their definition. The common denominator of this otherwise rich and ramified group of phenomena is the feeling of the individual that his consciousness expanded beyond the usual ego boundaries and limitations of time and space. In the “normal” or usual states of consciousness, an individual experiences himself as existing within the boundaries and limitations of his physical body, which separate him distinctly from the rest of the world. This is usually referred to as one’s body image. His perception of his exteroceptors. Both the internal perception of the environment (exteroception) are subject to specific spacetime limitations. And individual can usually experience only those things happening at the present moment and in his present location; he can recall things that happened at another time and in another place, and fantasize or anticipate things that will happen in the future.
The basic characteristic of transpersonal experiences is that one or several of these limitations appear to be transcended. In some instances, the subject experiences loosening of his usual ego boundaries, and his consciousness and self-awareness seem to expand and to include and encompass other individuals and elements of the external world. In other instances, the subject continues to experience his own identity but in a different form, at a different time, in a different place, or in a different context. In yet other cases, the subject experiences a complete loss of his own identity and a complete identification with the consciousness of another being or entity. Finally, in a rather large category of transpersonal experiences, the subject’s consciousness appears to encompass elements that do not have any continuity with his usual ego identity and that cannot be considered simple derivatives of his experiences in the three-dimensional world.
On the basis of the above discussion, transpersonal experiences can be defined as “experiences involving an expansion or extension of consciousness beyond the usual ego boundaries and beyond the limitations of time and/or space.

Stanislav Grof, LSD: Doorway to the Numinous

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[November 5th, 2012 / 12:26am]
[ mood | amused ]

An idiot I know has a dose of genius in him. If you are ever feeling, down, depressed, suicidal, just take a good gander at this photo and listen to this song. Both, at once. 

Doesn't life become so much more...satisfying? Death more...voluntary? DELIGHTFUL? DON'T YOU LOVE YOURSELF NOW?

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[November 3rd, 2012 / 2:37am]
The masterpiece of foam
A melancholy narrator under the waterline

Days live in dark seclusion
and don't hear the fish teeth grinding

They can't hear
the bad news of my disappeared poet-brothers

Water, gigantic water
curves in dizziness

Who will notice the body's double trembling
breathing like a thread, like an ant

Finally a first pair of wings born in humiliation
Another pair!

Lightly I flap my wings
and take off

I write down my name on the surface of the water
the tremendous dream under the green lotus leaf's shadow

I pass the land
and the market of cattails

like an insect kindergarden
or a grand ball of the white lotus

I accept the beautiful scenes along the shore
as a cheer

The first trip into a multiple world
without help from a machine

The thread-like object on the tail
serves to keep balance in this dust

In my own sky
I make a tragic surge

The trace of crash
can teach all new-comers

To begin like an apprentice
to summarize like an expert

Unconsciously I'm approaching eternity
nearing multiplicity

Oh humans, why are you so greedy
Give me a day

One day is enough for me
Give me one day of eternity

Measurement doesn't exist
No need to be excited about beginning or end

Death is just a ritual
the ritual of leaving your life

We fly in groups at twilgiht
facing the same sunset

Within concentric circles are innumerable other circles
The first and last days of a lunar month just a secondary matter

If a soul is multiple enough
it can hold anything

No need to point at the sky and say
This is a second

or billions of light years
The explsoion is on-going

The cosmos in one moment
we all exist in this enthusiastic shot

Flying is also a performance

But no audience. The morning bacteria and underground soul
are not the distance that separate us

It's an ultimate affirmation
proving that we deserve to be underlined

The flight in the process
holds water and sky which are more casual than us

Flight means embracing this attitude
embracing the land and humans

For the sea and the pity for a drop of salt
our flight exists without boundaries

We take our lives as a holiday--
On the same day, we lay eggs, mate and die
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WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? [November 2nd, 2012 / 4:33pm]
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[November 2nd, 2012 / 6:46am]

SOMEONE, BRANNON, spilled coffee on my tree. Littershitz took forever and it still looks like, well, a litter shit.

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I can't resist my urge to post all of this amazing shit I find online. FB is FLOODED. [November 2nd, 2012 / 4:55am]
[ mood | awake ]


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I apologize for not reading many posts lately, but I am attempting to catch up now. I AM interested [November 2nd, 2012 / 2:31am]
in you guys. =P
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Moondog Monologue, this man...is in my heart forever. [October 25th, 2012 / 3:20am]
[ mood | good ]


"no matter where i came from," i say,
"no matter where i go
to me, what matters is where i am on this day"

let me identify myself now
songsters both, and both clad in brown
the hermit thrush and i dwell far out of town

death, when you come to me, may you come to me swiftly
i would rather not linger
not linger

driving with herr doktor one day, for the air,
he would circle the square before he taught me how to square the very same circle

you were opportunist in the worst way
therefore, i pray, let it pay for you to know me

i do not dress as i do to attract attention
i attract attention because i dress as i do

you, the vandal, plunder the village as you will.
the earthworm will pillage you, the vandal, when you are under

i would bow down before just one--
one who bows before none.
i should know who that one might be who could do that to me
i am that one
and i bow down before me

since the hunter is the hunted, surely he knows what it is to lift an ecsatic dread
to some uncoming hunter's tread

such and such as the star that filters through the starry blue alone
a burning star turning in an orbit all of its own
such and such as i

beasts are always/were always trailblazing engineers
modern engineering would do well to do as well today
as well as beasts have done

if on this rock i stand alone
loneliness will turn heel, as he turns to stone

each today is yesterday's tomorrow, which is now
now is all i have
now is all i need
now is all i want

better i go, when you would that i stay, that i stay on,
than stay, when you would that i would go
better i go than stay

ebb and flow of the ocean
love and hate of emotion
nothing lasts, is my refrain
as the moon and my feelings wax and wane
i remain calm.

i would adjust everything until i fell
and will adjust nothing
then, worming up pathway, i found with pleasure:
i was just something.

standing at the door of my departure
i observe that your eyes belie all that you have said
for you are still in love with me

then, when recognition comes,
you will take my muse,
take her to his bed of ease
have his will, have his fill,
and strangle her.

my tiny butterfly butters my bread
my briny flutterby keeps me well-fed
why should i mutter?

stung by this last rebuff, i rebound.
on the way back, i hear me saying to myself:
"dwell in your shell"

one thing about life, be it said:
it feeds upon itself over and over
and of itself, is fed.

should i love you as i love myself?
suppose i hate myself.
i would be as free to hate you too

i am never quite educated, never quite so
but i am ever in the painful process of becoming so

you remember me and my song.
only such immortaliity strikes creative sparks from my soul
because of you

who could wear out their welcome there
when there is no welcome there to wear out?
"there is where it is: here on earth."

"i would advise you not to generalize, as a rule."
(a fool to be: i have just uttered a generalization.
ah, me.)

down is up, and so up is down
because the world is round
there is no such thing as up or down

this one wish is ever so near to my heart
but oh so far away from my tongue

sadness was so mixed with gladness
that she wept for joy
she was so sad
tears filled her eyes but enhanced a smile on her face
she was so glad

think of all of the thoughts that i think
they are naught to me, compared to just one fleeting thought of you

how could i fear for my last day,
when i am dying daily?
and have been since my first day?

thus the clown wore cap and gown
for she lived for degrees while she died by degrees,
with a frown.

voices of spring were in chorus
each voice was singing a song
i could not sing me a chorus until i wrote me a song
i wrote my song and joined the throng

i besiege my liege still further
for my wooing is turning her majesty's royal head
and turning toward me

though i climbed up the highest mountain in view
--yet, contentment was not mine
for beyond, a higher mountain still higher was looming

now is that painful moment of parting we dreaded
saying "goodbye" is plural indemnity, truly
for having said "hello"

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[October 24th, 2012 / 11:47pm]
I need to think about change. 

I'm on 6mg Klonopin and 10MG Roxy. I'm pretty out of my mind, but at the same time, constructed quite excellently.

I'm in my brothers room. We smoked Pineapple Express REEFER and had a long discussion on a variety of meaningful topics.

Evolution/Devolving Mankind.
Mind & Soul.
A new way of life. A life in this day. ;)

I would love to manage myself well enough to entirely change my surroundings, I want to live in the woods. 

I reject the norms of society. The concept of money, modern day culture. There is a downfall in our civilization a lot of people are refraining from acknowledging. I'm immune to the conditioning of my surrounding citizens. They are sad and pathetic, much like I am now. And no one is doing anything about their lifestyles to change them, much like I, too, am avoiding. 

I've made a plan to try vegan food for a week. See if it adds clarity to my thought. Then, once I can stick to this and make it habitual I will practice moderating drugs, including cigarettes. I want to smoke at most 6 cigarettes a day. Compared to 20.

Then, I want to live in the woods, or anywhere, and travel across the world. I want to grow my own tobacco, fruits, vegetables, find my own resources. Dropping money and an effort to find it. Maybe I can grow psychedelic plants, as well.

I'm not meant for this kind of life. And I won't settle for it anymore. I am 20 years old. Time to do something instead of allowing my anxiety to direct my choices.

I want to feel the beauty that I am and not allow it to be fogged by the ugliness of extreme drug use, lethargy, and environment.

We're energy. Let's do something with ourselves. Stop dwelling in the corners of existence. Let it kiss us.
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[October 17th, 2012 / 11:39am]
[ mood | blank ]


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[October 17th, 2012 / 10:32am]

"In the subconscious you fuck ugly people, never beautiful, because the libido always desires something repulsive."

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[October 4th, 2012 / 1:24pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I was reading about Sigmund Freud's REALITY PRINCIPLE. He talks about how one matures by gaining knowledge through deferred gratification. To me, an example of this would be enduring the pain of working 9-5 5 days a week. Then you get a paycheck, that is the product of deferred gratification. However, does this branch off of ones own personal idealization of what is right and wrong according to what could be suited as deferred or instant gratification? Doesn't everything boil down to, and I know I talk about this often, even if I haven't mentioned it often on livejournal, morality? And doesn't morality exist not by the intuitive feelings of what is right or wrong, by according to the mass standards we must stay attached to in order to reach some sort of ending (or paradise) to our own pursuit of happiness? If a drug addict seeks a high, or instant gratification, is he or she not setting themselves up for deferred gratification by the knowledge they have of entering a cycle of pleasure reduced to pain, after the drug has worn off? Their life becomes just that, deferred gratification as a product of seeking instant gratification. 

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[September 30th, 2012 / 9:23pm]
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